As a warm-up to my Cataract Surgery, in February 2006, I let a doctor probe my Ass the month before. ;-D
Life here at The Branch Maceyugoserbulgarigreekadonian Compound has never been boring. ;-D
Like the surgery I believe that sharing my experiece with readers is important, and valuable, and so let's get the show on the road.
This was my first Colonoscopy, and I was intent on having as much fun with the experience as I could.
In December 2005...
I wondered, to some friends:
LiveBlogging a Colonoscopy....Is it possible, and has anyone done it?
You'll *love* the colonoscopy. I had one last year.
You get to take a nice nappy while they take a peek.
Not to worry!
I hope you're joking about butt blogging.
Pulleeze be joking.
Well, it turns out someone beat me to it. ;-DSeveral someones!Take your time, and read them in order, because the BEST truely does come in the END. ;-DJames Wolcott, a writer for Vanity Fair, and a Blogger, recently had one and wrote about it.
The Demerol drip is divine...
... worth the price of admission. As the room began to float and time melted around the edges, I regretted even more keenly never having visited an opium den. Me and the hookah would have made a helluva team. But there is no point in mourning what might have been...
It’s sort of like jury duty for your butt.
His description of the Run ( heh, heh )- up to the big event had me laughing, and making plans for what reading material I'll need to have on hand. ;-D
Too much information is never enough.
I love Web Searches! You can turn up the darndest things!
Like an entire Blog devoted to Colonoscopies!
There are only 4 entries, from last Spring, butt the info is still of interest:
Phil Shapiro, of I Love Colonoscopies, has a post about preperation, and, having endured 15 of these procedures, he has a motto:
"I _love_ colonoscopies. They're one of my hobbies!"
And now for a little humor:
Mike Durrett, of the Humor Boy Blog, has 2 posts:
The 1st is about his Colonoscopy experience: Mikey's Colonoscopy Corner.
The 2nd is "The Top 12 Joys during a Colonoscopy Examination":
12. The pre-show cleansing -- known at my house as "The Bottomless Spit."
11. There's nothing to hit the fan.
10. Anal probe makes you eligible for guest appearance on "South Park."
9. Crack navigation provides little chance of colliding with iceberg.
8. Zany rectal air hose makes you feel you can fly over Macy's parade.
7. Any loose change found is yours!
6. Sedatives hallucination transforms doctor into Jim Henson and you're a Muppet.
The Top 5 are here.
Information on Colonoscopy that I found: Colonoscopy.com
Be there or be square!
Order tickets, now!
Early purchasers guarateed to recieve Special Autographed Photo of the Grand Entrance!
Hee, hee, I'd better quit while I'm Behind! ;-D
Turned out the Prescription ( Nulytely Powder, in a Gallon Jug ) was not covered by my Insurance so I had to pay $32! ( Plus another $4 for a 10 pill pack of Dulcolax, of which I'll only use 4 pills )
The Good News is that it was Cherry Flavored once it was mixed, and ready to drink. ;-D
I next had to settle on the reading material for the day. ;-D
LIVE BLOGGING THE DAY BEFORE A COLONOSCOPY
In the beginning God said... "Let him down Dulcolax, and drink NULYTELY!
I'm having a Colonoscopy, butt that's OK.
I'm drinking a noxious cherry brew, and
Sitting on the Throne all the live long day!
TP to the right of me!
TP to the left of me!
My Butt torn assunder!
My Throat has tasted the glory
of the wonderous Nulytely,
It is evacuating the colon where
my last solid meal is stored!
Sit right back and you will read a tale,
A tale of a lot of Dumps...
Okay, okay, I'll stop!
I was running out of ideas, anyway. ;-D
As friend Jaspar reminded me...
By tomorrow night, this will all be ... behind ... me. ;-D
And so, the adventure began...
It was 930 am, and I'd just had breakfast...
If you could call it that! ;-D
I am under strict instructions:
Only a Clear Liquid Diet from wake-up to Midnight, then NOTHING until after the fun, and frolick, of Thursday ( Boy, have I got plans for THAT Happy Evening! )
So it's CLEAR Chicken Broth, and Diet Coke for the duration. ;-D
Starting at 10am, after taking 4 Dulcolax Tabs, I will be drinking a glass of Nulytely, every 15-30 minutes for 2-4 hours, until the whole gallon jug is gone ( but not forgotten! ).
I weigh 191 lbs. at the moment, but wonder how that will change over the course of the day.
While I'll have FOX NEWS on the TV, of necessity, I'll be needing something to read all day.
My choice?
The Politically Incorrect Guide to American History by Thomas E. Woods, Jr.
Why?
Well , the Author obviously thinks the Left is full of Shit.
And the Left thinks HE'S full of Shit for writing this book.
And... I'M full of Shit, so...
I'm gonna spend the day symbolically DUMPING on BOTH their houses! ;-D
As you can see...I was on a roll. ;-D
It's 1020am:
I've got a 20 ounce glass to use to drink the Nulytely.
Actually, it doesn't taste THAT awful.
Of course the Cherry Flavor helps. ;-D
I wonder how many glasses I'll end up downing? ;-D
It's 1110am:
Ok, so this ain't gonna be no walk in the park.
I realize that now.
Focusing on the Cherry Flavor of the Nycotely gets you only so far, then the reality sets in when, as you finish the 2nd glass, your stomach registers its opinion, and it's all you can do to keep from throwing up.
It's 1130am:
The Battle is joined!
Your Hero = 2 Glasses of Nycotely
His Stomach = 1 registered dissent
It's 1155am:
Note to self:
Instructions can be confusing.
I thought a "Glass" could be any size, based on the Doc's instructions ( so i'm drinking 20 oz, every 30 min. ), but the Nycotely Folks say drink an 8 oz. glass every 10 minutes.
It's 1230pm:
"Vengeance is MINE!", Sayeth the Stomach.
Your Hero = 4 Glasses of Nulytely.
His Stomach = 5 registered dissents.
It's 110pm:
Ok, I admit it!
I'm "Shiver!" a Girly Man!
Oh, the shame of it!
I just can't drink this Nulytely slop "rapidly" as is recommended.
Luckily the Doc said I could down it in 4 hours.
I hope I live that long! ;-D
It's 130pm:
Nikita, finally woke up, and wandered in to the bathroom for a look see.
Then he went back to bed.
His obvious opinion: Borrriiinnnggg! ;-D
I'd like to see HIM drink this stuff!
Cats! Sheesh!
It's 140pm:
"Girly Man" no more!!
YEEEAAAHHHH!!!! ( Doing best Howard Dean Impression! )
I just drank ( rapidly, take note! ) a full glass ( 8 oz. ) of Nulytely in less than a minute!
Ain't y'all proud of me? ;-D
Let's see the Governator do THAT! ;-D
It's 240pm:
Well, the 4 hours have passed, and while I managed to drink the last few glasses down fast without my Stomach rebelling, the sad truth is that I still have maybe 2 glasses left.
So, I called the Doc to find out what I should do next.
I learn that I must finish it all, and that my newly established, and hard won, Non-Girly Man Status won't be compromised by doing so.
That's a relief! ;-D
For those keeping score:
Your Hero = 12 Glasses of Nulytely.
His Stomach = 7 registered dissents.
It's 4pm:
With dark rain clouds gathering outside his window the brave soul looks determinedly at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, and courageously stares down his stomach...
And drinks the last of the concoction called Nulytely...
A pause... then
A sigh escapes his lips as he whispers...
It is FINISHED!
Disneyland may only be a couple of miles away, but not on this day.
Our hero cuts short his impromptu celebration by making a mad dash to the Throne... ;-D
Final Score:
Our Hero = 14 glasses of a certain noxious brew.
His Stomach ( rumbling its surrender ) = 7 registered dissents.
Now he can relax on the throne, in peace, for the rest of the evening, and read his book. ;-D
A few hours later I shared news of e-mails received that made my day, and made for a very fitting end to the festivities:
It's almost 10pm as I write this, and that noxious potion, and the cute little pills, I took earlier, have been having their way with my system in preperation for my Colonoscopy tomorrow.
Earlier this evening, however, I received an e-mail that made my day, and made it all worthwhile. ;-D
As mentioned this morning I would be spending a lot of time reading a particular book in my collection to pass the time as I "passed" other things.
Who said sitting on the Throne couldn't be edumicational? ;-D
At around 5pm I received an e-mail with the following Subject:
Best of luck on the colonoscopy.
The Body of the message was as follows:
Best wishes for your good health!
Best,
Tom Woods
Author, The Politically Incorrect Guide to American HistoryI sat there...
Looking at that message in stunned disbelief.
How in the hell did he find out about little ol' me?
A check of my Stats provided the answer.
Blame Google!
Someone in New York did a search for "thomas e woods".
What he found is a tad embarrassing for me, not to mention maybe poor Mr. Woods himself.
When you follow the link you will discover the TOP 10 results, of 174, for the search term "thomas e woods".
Guess who is #1 when sorted by RELEVANCE? ;-d
A visit to Mr. Woods Website confirmed that, yes, he indeed DOES live in New York with his family.
Well, DAMN!
Just knock me over with a feather, and call me deeply touched, and very honored! ;-D
Needless to say I sent a note back:
Um, WOW! does NOT even come close to what I'm feeling right now.
Dear Mr. Woods,
Your e-mail just made my day!
I find it hilarious, and a tad embarrasing ( on your behalf ) that my post is #1 for a search of your name on Google. ;-D
What possessed you to do that search today, of all days, or do you do that on a regular basis?
Anyway, your book is an enjoyable, and informative, read and, when done I'll be recommending it with a review.
Thanks for the well wishes!
It means a lot. ;-D
What a way to end the day. ;-D
He replied:
Thanks for your kind reply. From time to time I run my name through Google blog search just to see what's going on. I've had several books come out one after the other, and it's interesting to see if and where they're being discussed, etc. It's just something fun I do once in a while.
All the best,
Tom Woods
You know, it's little things like that that make me feel like I'm the luckiest guy on the planet sometimes. ;-D
I began the day weighing 191 lbs.
The next morning I weighed 186lbs.
A loss of a whopping 5 lbs! ;-D
I recommend Nulytely to anyone disatisfied with Jenny Craig. ;-D
Do Butt Docs have a sense of humor?
I planned to see. ;-D
I planned to have the following message taped to my ASS for all to see when I removed my clothes:
DRIVE CAREFULLY!!
SPEED LIMIT
55MPH
WATCH FOR CURVES
IN ROAD!!
Up next: The "After Procedure" report, and analysis. ;-D
Colonoscopy Report: You can do it again if ya want Doc!
Hee, hee. ;-D
I don't know what all the freakin' fuss is about over Colonoscopies.
Other than a little, um, pressure, on the entrance to the back door, I didn't feel a thing.
I honestly thought I was awake, and talking, and that that was BEFORE I was to be knocked out for the duration!
I was talking, and joking with the Lady Nurses, and enjoying their, and the Doc's, amusement at my little sign taped to my butt as they were putting needles in me, and attaching monitors to my skin.I also responded to their instructions about breathing, and moving as this was going on.
This, to me, was only less than 10 minutes.
All of a sudden they said the fun was over, and I was puzzled by that.
They said that I awoke a couple of times, and responded to their instructions then went back to sleep.
Just like that it was over, and I missed it!
No feeling of going/being out of it, in a haze of drugs, no chance to ogle the screen and view the tour in progress.
I never felt woozy, even afterwards, and when I got home I was able to eat a nice bowl of Chicken Noodle Soup, and Crackers, and will be having hot dogs, and a salad, tonight.
The run-up to this was full of humor as I told the various receptionists I dealt with that this was their last opportunity to talk me out of this, and got laughs about the sign on my butt from them, and the initial Prep Nurses.
Each Receptionist, and Nurse, asked me to spell my name, and give my birth date, as they looked at my paperwork.
It's an odd part of their job, but I laughed and assured them I was the same person I was 5 minutes ago, and that I was the only person in the building who could accurately spell my name from memory. ;-D
I got a few grossly cool pics of my innards, including one of the exit from the Poop's point of view, and they even took a shot of my stickered Butt. ;-D
The upshot of all of this, and the good news, is that they found no polyps, or other problems. ;-D
I hope my story proves informative to anyone who reads it, and reassures anyone with concerns about the safety, and benefits, of undergoing a Colonoscopy.
I encourage you to do your own Google Searches for more information.
With this glowing recommendation, Guys, I expect to hear, in the news, of an inexplicable rush on Colonoscopies in the coming weeks.
Um, Guys?
Guys??????
Jeez, what a bunch of Girly Men! ;-D
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