Mad Macedonian

After Christmas: An After Christmas Poem

It being a new Millenium, and all, I felt a more modernistic approach to the incident concerning gifts and True Love was needed for my second poem (Christmas Poem #1 is here.). ;-D

Dedicated to an unknown Catholic writer (12 days of Christmas).

AFTER CHRISMAS

During the first minute after Christmas
My true love returned to me,
A Rodney Dangerfield in Concert DVD.

During the second minute after Christmas,
My true love returned to me,
Two pink garden gloves,
And a Rodney Dangerfield in Concert DVD.

During the third minute after Christmas,
My true love returned to me,
Three fountain pens,
Two pink garden gloves,
And a Rodney Dangerfield in Concert DVD.

During the fourth minute after Christmas,
My true love returned to me,
Four skirts for nerds,
Three fountain pens,
Two pink garden gloves,
And a Rodney Dangerfield in Concert DVD.

During the fifth minute after Christmas,
My annoyed true love returned to me,
Five indescribably ugly things,
Four skirts for nerds,
Three fountain pens,
Two pink garden gloves,
And a Rodney Dangerfield in Concert DVD.

During the sixth minute after Christmas,
My embarrassed true love returned to me,
Six books on role-playing,
Five indescribably ugly things,
Four skirts for nerds,
Three Fountain pens,
Two pink garden gloves,
And a Rodney Dangerfield in Concert DVD.

During the seventh minute after Christmas,
My confused true love returned to me,
Seven Venus Razors meant for trimming,
Six books on role playing,
Five indescribably ugly things,
Four skirts for nerds,
Three Fountain pens,
Two pink garden gloves,
And a Rodney Dangerfield in Concert DVD.

During the eighth minute after Christmas,
My flustered true love returned to me,
Eight night gowns for sleeping,
Seven Venus Razors meant for trimming,
Six books on role-playing,
Five indescribably ugly things,
Four skirts for nerds,
Three Fountain pens,
Two pink garden gloves,
And a Rodney Dangerfield in Concert DVD.

During the ninth minute after Christmas,
My horrified true love returned to me,
Nine silk panties most entrancing,
Eight night gowns for sleeping,
Seven Venus Razors meant for trimming,
Six books on role playing,
Five indescribably ugly things,
Four skirts for nerds,
Three fountain pens,
Two pink garden gloves,
And a Rodney Dangerfield in Concert DVD.

During the tenth minute after Christmas,
My shocked true love returned to me,
Ten aids for love making,
Nine silk panties most entrancing,
Eight night gowns for sleeping,
Seven Venus Razors meant for trimming,
Six books on role playing,
Five indescribably ugly things,
Four skirts for nerds,
Three fountain pens,
Two pink garden gloves,
And a Rodney Dangerfield in Concert DVD.

During the eleventh minute after Christmas,
My angry love returned to me,
Eleven condoms, and then went into hiding,

On the twelfth day after Christmas,

My ex-true love returned to me,

Twelve pleas for forgiving,

Eleven condoms and then went into hiding,
Ten aids for love making,
Nine silk panties most entrancing,
Eight night gowns for sleeping,
Seven Venus Razors meant for trimming,
Six books on role playing,
Five indescribably ugly things,
Four skirts for nerds,
Three fountain pens,
Two pink garden gloves,
And

a Rodney Dangerfield in Concert DVD

Copyright 12/2003

Next up: A Visit to Baghdad: A Christmas Tribute to the Troops. ;-D

A Visit to the Mall: An After Christmas Poem

A Visit to the Mall (Orange County residents will recognize the Mall under assault.)  is about that all important, time honored, ritual that occurs the day after Christmas...and for days afterward.;-D

Returning gifts is also a family affair, so don't try and tell me you don't return a single thing, either! ;-D

With sincere apologies, to Clement Moore (A visit from St. Nicholas).

A Visit to the Mall

Twas the day after Christmas, when all through the land
Every creature was scurrying, returns clutched in their hands,
The receipts were collected by each person with care,
In hopes that Guest Services would understand, and be fair;
The children were packed in the back of the van,
Except for little Giorgio who was still in the can,
And the wife in her jogging suit, and I looking all dap,
Jumped into the front seats as we waited for the kid to finish his crap.
When we arrived at the Mall there was such a crowd,
The scene was crazy, bizarre and, not to mention, quite loud.
Away through the parking lot we dashed like a flash,
Dodging, and praying we'd survive each near car crash.
The clouds in the sky were about to burst,
Giving fair warning that nature was about to do its worst,
When, what to our surprise should occur,
But all of the people stopped moving, not making a stir,
With a little jolt, and seeing we must act quick,
I told everyone to make haste to take advantage of this trick.
More rapid than hipsters on roller blades with trails to tame,
I sorted our loot and gave all a store name.
Risana, to Book Soup! Brian, to Brookstone! Violeta, to Gamestop!
Michelle, to Bath & Body! Mom and Mary, to the Gap! I'll take the tyke and head to Sears! Now hop!
To the front of each line, ahead of them all!
Now lets conquer this vast, and complex, Orange County Mall!
As shoppers that before they would take no for an answer,
When they meet with a sales person obstacle, put on the charm and act sure;
So up to the counter we all took a step or two,
With our arms full of books, clothes, electronics, toys, and bottles of shampoo.
And then in a twinkling, as the crowds awoke, and we stood in front all sweet and aloof,
The clerks, all named Frank, began inspecting and pawing our stuff, and asking for proof-
As we presented our paper, and explanations profound,
Down went their defenses, as our stories were deemed sound.
Return the Hillary Clinton book? Sure! That little do-dad with the top that won't stay put?
The un-opened toys, the clothes untarnished, and those oils for your foot?
Even I with my youngest, carried on my back,
Was told, come one, come all, go ahead and please give them back!
We left the mall to the after Xmas deal seekers, feeling quite merry,
Outside, though, it was raining, and the wind was a fury!
The street was a flood heading south, wouldn't you know,
And the water was so deep traffic was a slow go;
The stump of a tree floated down Bristol, torn from its roots, a scene beyond belief,
And its branches they encircled a Volvo, like a funeral wreath;
The route home was a long one to face, and our armpits quite smelly,
But we all smiled and hoped we'd get home to watch the news on the telly.
Imagining being in a tubby, not down in the dump, thinking to myself,
I laughed out loud and said we should have taped this to put on our film shelf;
A wink of the sun appeared in the sky, giving us the feeling we had nothing to dread,
Soon the water receded, and cheering erupted that we wouldn't end up dead;
Arriving home we spoke not a word, but went straight in to the house,
And nobody was even upset when Nikita greeted us with a mouse,
And looking at my family all gathered and close,
I poured us all a glass of milk and proposed a toast;
"To the success of this day, and its hustle,
Lets give a hoot, holler, and whistle,
And hope that next year friends and relatives get it right,
So that we can all have a Merry Christmas Night!"

Copyright 12/2003.

Continue on to my second Christmas Poem. ;-D

A Photograph, and you have 10 minutes to write about it

Here is a nice writing exercise I learned a few years back and though I don't have the photo, I can describe it and share what I wrote:

It was a photograph of a landscape: In the foreground was an open space (Of indeterminate size beyond the limited area shown in the photo.) with melting snow. Further back was a small area of brush, and just beyond that was the edge of a forested area.

I had 10 minutes to write something revolving around this scene, and this is what I wrote:

The valley seemed huge and forbidding to him as he huddled in the brush at the edge of the forest and contemplated traversing it to reach his destination.

The snow was melting, revealing no other vegetation, or outcropping of rock, to shelter in if he felt threatened.

The valley was empty of all life, and yet he did not feel relief at the thought.

The valley was his pathway to adulthood.

His Father had walked it, and braved its emptiness, as had his Father, and his Father's Father before him.

And so, it now was his turn, and slowly, tentatively, he stepped forward and set out...

My question, dear reader, is this:

Who, or what, do you think I am talking about?

Use YOUR imagination, and share your thoughts by leaving a comment.

Don't be shy. :-)

Nut Becomes College Football Coach. Crazy Move or Not?

Sometimes you have to wonder about newspaper/ Online News headline writers, really you do. ;-D

Nutt moves quick, takes Ole Miss job

Whose fault is this one? Fox Sports News, or the AP? ;-D

This is actually an interesting story about a just resigned College Football coach whose last name ends in 2, count 'em, 2 T's, finding a new job at another college hours later.

In Arkansas, when he quit, did headlines on the sports pages blare 'Nutt Resigns From Coaching Job!"?

Talk about nuts. ;-D

7 Facts Meme

I was tagged by Kitty Limericks to do the seven random facts meme.  Here are the rules:

* Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog;

* Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself;

* Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs;

* Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

7 facts, eh?

Is the 1st one weird enough for ya? ;-D

I have this talent for knocking or pulling pieces of paper off Daddy's desk, or bookshelves, when I want to get his attntion for something important/or when I'm bored in the the middle of the night, and only at night (This annoys the hell out of him for some reasons even after all these years, and I still have no satisfactory explanation why.) ;-D

A related factoid/talent: When we lived in a 1 bedroom place Daddy used to shut me out of the Bedroom, at night... until I taught myself to bring a piece of paper over to the door, and shove it underneath it... We moved before I could teach myself how to write as well. ;-D

I don't like those toys that are plastic rings with a little ball running around a circle track inside them: The balls don't move fast enough, for my taste, once I swat the damn things! ;-D

I am addicted to those Laser Dot things! If Daddy didn't wear himself out 1st by pointing the thing around, I'd wear myself out chasing it! ;-D

I am at my wits end over the fact that my Tummy Rubs don't last as long as I'd like: Daddy tires out to quickly for my taste. ;-D

I like to sometimes sleep in the cupboard under the bathroom sink.

There, that's 7!

I will tag, hmmm, that's a good question, who will I tag?

It's not as if I know a lot of fellow Cat Bloggers!

Okay, I'll tag some of those who have left comments! ;-D

Hot(M)BC had a fright yesterday!

Kate and her Cat Puddy, of A Byootaful Life, discuss Raising a Paw Against Puppies and Kittens as Christmas Presents.

Mr. Hendrix the Kitty has a lot to be thankful for this Holiday.

Maxwell Smartkitty, of Crews Views, has something to brag about, and the guy who wrote the column he discusses is a pretty cool dude!

Andree, of Meeyauw, discusses the Cat Bible.

Dragonheart shares 13 things about his breed. #14 is...His breed has absolutely no interest in Hair Restoration products, thank you very much! They are happy the way they was made. ;-D

Victor Tabbycat demonstrates proper grooming of your human.

It's Black Friday: Do You Know Where Your Human Is?

When Daddy told me, years ago, about how many humans celebrate the day after Thanksgiving, I was at once amused and amazed.

When Daddy sorted thru the Ads, this year, I was sure that he had somehow overlooked the ones for the Pet Stores, but no they were not still laying on the floor somewhere.

This year I was also curious about where everyone went.

All you cats, dogs Gerbils, Rabbits, Parakeets, and others out there...

Do you know where your Humans went when they left the house at the ungodly hour of 1am to, as they explained it, go Christmas Shopping?

Well, I'm here to tell you that it was not to Petsmart.

4am, and not a soul in sight.

They weren't at Petco either, 20 minutes later.

I persuaded Daddy to take me out so I could see those going to the Pet Shop to get their Animal Companions something for Christmas.

Yes, that's me sitting on top of my carrier, stretching my legs and scratching my head in puzzlement.

What? Some of you can't see me?

Imagine that! Hee, hee! ;-D

Anyway, the only person we encountered at our second stop was a grumpy security guard, old enough to be Daddy's Daddy, who had no sense of humor (Not to mention no Imagination as he nearly ran me over in his car as Daddy and I approached to explain ourselves.).

He didn't want to know what we were doing and why, just that we would go on about our merry way, like yesterday. ;-D

All was not a total loss, however.

I may not have got a story full of um, human interest, and even maybe an interview with someone, like Daddy, who could talk with me, but it was my 1st "outside" story none the less. ;-D

Oh, and don't worry...the Pet Stores eventually opened at 9am, so there probably WERE lines outside waiting eagerly to get in. ;-D

Black Friday and the Newspaper from Hell

It is all over but the clean up.

The Official kick-off to the Holiday Shopping Season known as Black Friday.

What began as early as 4am, and expanded little by little until, by 9am, just about everybody who is anybody in Retail, and all those who you may never even have heard of until yesterday, was open, began to wind down from 6 to 10pm.

Yesterday...ah yes, Thanksgiving Day.

Uncle BS, Auntie Willie Nillie, Granpa and Granma Why in My Day, and more relatives than you thought were still alive and functioning are all expected for The Big Meal, watching The Big Game, or 3, and Dessert.

All over at Cousin I AM Somebody's Studio Apartment. ;-D

But first comes THE single most important event of the day.

Even more so than the cooking of the Bird.

Perusing the Newspaper.

That's it way over there in the top right corner, watch your step. ;-D

Actually, forget the paper for the moment, the REAL reason you are interested in the T-day edition of the paper (That's the Orange County Register, up there, by the way.) is the stuffing.

Dozens of Ads heralding Black Friday, the start of the Holiday Shopping Season and your first opportunity of the weekend to work off what you will eat later in the day.

Proper Black Friday preparation begins with the organization of the Ads by time of store opening.

4am in the top row.

5am in the 2nd row.

530am, 555am, and 6am in the 3rd row.

7am and a few of those who slept in until 9am, in the 4th row.

And bringing up the rear, those folks who think its cute to keep you in the dark about just when they will deem to let you into their fine establishments to shop.

Now, now you can safely spend time inbetween complimenting the Cousin on her roomy abode, and watching The Games and cowing down, plotting out your Black Friday itenerary.

Looking at those Ads I was later to learn that, across the country, some stores opened as early as Midnight.

All across the land people stood for hours, outside in the dark, just so they could, once the doors were opened, madly dash to that one shelf in the very, very, very back of their first stop of choice, grab that 1, and only 1 item they came there for, dash just as madly back up front to the registers, pay for their prize, and then slowly, sedately, walk, supremely proud of their accomplishment, out to their car, and driver off to stop #2.

Don't deny it.

Don't EVEN go there.

The Mad Macedonian KNOWS...

He has seen a woman enter a store, dash to the Electronics section way in the back, and return to the check-out, carrying a box with a 32 in. TV inside, in her arms...in 3 minutes flat.

The first customer in, the first customer out. ;-D

And now it's over.

The rest of the weekend will be busy, yet nothing like today and next week we will learn whether Americans spent enough of their hard earned cash to make Retailers dance for joy. ;-D

Turkeys are not the Only Ones Stressing Out Beginning in November

Is your cute widdle Bunny Wunny stressing out during the Holiday Season?

Call 1-800-TBA-BUGS Today, and let the expertly trained Counselors of Tipsy Bunnies Annonymous help.

Don't laugh!

This is serious!

Looking out the front window of where Daddy and I live I've seen this poor guy wandering around for weeks now.

The one time he came close enough for me to shout through the window and ask him if he was okay, over the weekend, his reply was:

"They're planning for the Holidays, they're planning for the Holidays..."

He looked furtively behind him and then headed into the bushes.

Daddy took the photo above yesterday morning.

Neither of us have seen him since.

Are Taggers Going to Win in Santa Ana

***Originally posted on 11/3, I've bumped it up due to a couple of Updates added at the end, this morning***

Graffiti is a problem just about everywhere, but Santa Ana has it bad.

Now comes this news from the OC Register:

The City Council will decide Monday whether to nearly triple the contract for Graffiti Trackers, the company it hired to analyze and catalogue photographs of graffiti. The revised contract would be worth $233,000 and would last into 2009.

Over at Orange Juice they don't think much of this:

Apparently city officials thought, when they hired this outfit, that they would be "uploading no more than 800 photographs a week to the company's tracking system." Oops. Turns out that the "average number of graffiti photographs taken each week has ranged from 2,000 to 3,500 since the program began." Here's a thought...hire ex-taggers to do this work. They will cost less and will know where to find the graffiti. And the city can employ its troubled youth. Nothing like a city job to set a young man straight.

OJ's suggestion is too intelligent by half so has a snowballs chance in hell of being ennacted. ;-D

See: 

In Santa Ana, cost of graffiti going up: Contract for 'Graffiti Trackers' greatly underestimated the city's problem.

A Tip of the Hat to Orange Juice!

***UPDATE 1 - 11/21/07***

In a follow-up post on Orange Juice, for Nov. 5, Thomas Anthony Gordon comments:

How can the city claim that "The program has greatly helped the city's graffiti-removal efforts" when there is more than 4 times the amount of graffiti than the cities original estimates and the cost for the program has sky rocketed?

Good point.

There's been nothing in the paper, or on OJ, about the Council Meeting, unless I missed it, and the city website has yet to add a link to the Minutes of the meeting to the archive.

***UPDATE 2 - 11/21/07***

I knew that sooner or later, some local nimrod, either a tagger, or someone who supports them, would come out of the woodwork to opine on this subject. ;-D

Sure enough someone left a Comment yesterday, and rather than leave it there I've promoted it:

Yes we will win!!!!

No matter what the city does we will all be back!!!!

All this is nonstop.

Once you get one off the streets two and even three more will come up.

SO STAY UP ALL YOU GRAFFITI WRITERS!!!!

PEACE TO DCK AND ALL THE HOMIES!!!!

Angela Zamora

Oh my, I'm trembling in my boots...NOT!

Angela, if that is even your real name, which wouldn't surprise me, you only display your ignorance and stupidity with your words and your support of criminal activity that does damage to the community and city you live in and shames and embarrasses all law abiding Hispanics in Santa Ana.

***END UPDATES***

Picky Toasters

Remember the old Orowheat Commercial a few years back?

If I was the lady in that commercial, and MY toaster showed signs of being picky, I'd tell the infernal device what for!

I'm the BREAD winner around here and if I can't afford Orowheat you will just have to deal with your embarrassmnet until I can, or it's the dumpster for YOU, bub!

Remember the old Orowheat Commercial a few years back?

If I was the lady in that commercial, and MY toaster showed signs of being picky, I'd tell the infernal device what for!

I'm the BREAD winner around here and if I can't afford Orowheat you will just have to deal with your embarrassmnet until I can, or it's the dumpster for YOU, bub!