In the Kitchen 3: A Mad Macedonian Thanksgiving

Like the 1st recipe I shared this one is Guarandamnteed to put hair on yer chest!

Even if you ARE a Female of the Species! ;-D

While most folks dig into Turkey during this holiday, and Rednecks, Hillbillies and other REFINED, and CULTURED, Americans prefer possum, I being a bachelor, have learned to fend for myself.

The following recipe, for Pot Roast (5lb.), including the addition by me of a most important ingredient, was given to me by a long ago friend and has served me well during Holidays.

I call it ...

The Mad Macedonian's Crockpot Roast du Bachelor

Step 1: Run down to your favorite market, the evening before (That's Thanksgiving Eve for all you in Rio Linda.), to buy ingredients, and stand in freakishly long Express Line full of people who can't count, or maybe can't read English, or are just too damned tired from shopping to give a Rats Ass (Count the clerks in the tired category for sure!).

Step 2:  Stop at local Liquor Store to buy a 6 pack (Stay with me here, the reason for this will be made clear later!).

Why a Liquor Store? Did you just forget the Booze, and didn't want to go back?

No damnit! It's just that it's Un-American, not to mention un-dignified, to buy your Beer at the same place you buy items in the other Food Groups.

Step 3:  Once home, stuff everything in the Fridge, or the Cupboard, as appropriate, and explain to the cat that, no he can't play with the Pot Roast.

Step 4: Fix dinner, relax with a DVD, and go to bed.

No, you are not done yet!

How many of you Bachelors out there waited until Thanksgiving morning to finish reading this, thus leading you to discover that all the markets in your area are CLOSED for the day?

El Stupido! Chef Kiril says okay, starve, see if I care! Jesussurvivalofthefittestchrist!

Now, where was I?

Step 5: Dig out that 2, 3, 4, or 6 qt. Crock Pot you use once a month at the most (And that's being generous.).

Step 6: Unpack the Pot Roast, and toss it in the Crock Pot.

Step 6A: You put it in the FREEZER didn't you? Okay... we'll wait.

.... Step 6B: You MISSED the damn pot, DIDN'T YOU? When I said toss it, I didn't mean TOSS it, you Cy Young Wanna Be!

That's a figure of speech, fer cryin' out loud!

Wash it in the sink, we'll wait... (NOOOOO!!!! DON'T USE DISH SOAP!!!!)

Step 7: Add 2 cans of Cream of Mushroom Soup over Roast (Contents only, NOT THE CANS!)

Step 8: Add 2 Cups of Water (NO, not hot water, do I have to clarify EVERYTHING?)

Step 9: Pour contents of 1 package of Onion Soup Mix over Roast.

Step 10: Now comes the Secret Ingredient! (NOOO!!! NOT all 6 cans! Save the other 5 for later.).

Step 11: Set the timer on the Crock Pot to LOW, and let cook for 10 hours.

Step 12: Relax...the hard part is over. Now comes the suspense of waiting...and waiting...and smelling that HEAVENLY aroma...and waiting. (Don't forget to warm the contents of a can of corn, and a can of peas, in the Microwave a few minutes before the Roast is done! No, No, No, Not in the cans!! In Microwave Safe Bowls!! Jeez, Louise, what do you want to do, blow the place up?)

Step 12A: Pass me the other 5 beers. After all that stress I'M getting drunk!!!

Step 13: The deed ish done! Shet yer table, and lock the, HIC!,  the pusshy in the bafoom for the durashion, and get shet to, HIC!, dig in to your mashterpiece!

Wait, wait! HIC! Don't forget to shay a Prayer!

NO, not for any particular religious reashon!

Pray, HIC!, that your Culinary Skills don't lead to your DEATH!

I hope that, everyone has a HAPPY THANKSGIVING! ;-D

***UPDATE - 12/15/2007***

My delicious recipe has picked up a major endorsement! ;-D

Author Doctor Mary Dan Eades, of Protein Power fame, shared a nifty recipe for Christmas Cookies, recently (Hee, hee!), sent to her by a relative, and in a comment I recommended my Pot Roast. ;-D

In an effort to spread the word about the wonders of Cookies, I'm also sharing the Cookie Recipe for those of my readers looking for an after Christmas Pot Roast snack. ;-D

Christmas Cookie Recipe (follow directions closely)

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
2 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large
bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer… Beat one cup of
butter until fluffy in a large bowl. Add one teaspoon
of sugar… Beat again. At this point it’s best to
make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup …
just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add
to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick
the frigging fruit off floor…

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in
the beaterers just pry it loose with a shpoon. Sample
the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon
juice and strain your nuts. Add one table… add a
spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the
dishwasher.

Enjoy and Have a Mery Verry Chrishtmash…or shomefink!

The good doctor, always looking out for tasty, healthful, recipes to recommend to her readers, added a special note to my comment. ;-D

And if you make this …um…dessert, my suggestion is to make the pot roast first. ;-D

Listen to the good Doctor, now, hee, hee. ;-D

Merry Christmas Everyone!

***END UPDATE***

Comments

[brenda]

I promise to try this delicious-sounding pot roast this Thanksgiving!

[Amanda Socci]

Your language is clever "crockpot roast du bachelor."